As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.