As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?