As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.