As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.