Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

🐟✨ #re4

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.