Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

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ME: finally a program for me

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Jail

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream