As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, don’t forget to send your thoughts and prayers to all those husbands out there who have no idea it’s coming up this week.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.