As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
i- i did not expect this
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg