As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.