Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

this is uni

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Storm Tropical Storm

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine