As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Is your wife single?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?