Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1633260724268007424/vid/576x1024/wRr-n--WJigNU-UH.mp4?tag=16

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.