*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket