*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.