*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Just how popey was the pope today?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see