Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Oh deer

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty