As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Spotted in New Orleans.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
☺️
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was