Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.