As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.