As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
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Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
They grow up so quick
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?