“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.