“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
lost dog
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
This billboard speaks to me
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.