“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You Might Also Like
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Put the is in disheveled
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.