As per my last nervous breakdown
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
ugh not again
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Encore…
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.