As per my last nervous breakdown
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Canada has crack?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”