Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.