As per my previous tablet…
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I remember when things only cost an arm.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…