As per my previous tablet…
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up