as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
SPLOOT
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Thursday Thought.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Two types of dogs.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.