as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?