As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
