As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman