As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.