As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.