Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

My dad is at it again

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”