As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Wait for it
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*