Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

don’t be scared

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant