As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Mistakes were made
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers