as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Another interesting #factupdates post!
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.