as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.