As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
You Might Also Like
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco