As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Can. I. Help. You.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you