As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
![]()
You Might Also Like
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.