Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.