As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
