As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
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Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Oh. My. God.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.