As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Guilty! 🤪
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested