As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.