As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Let’s Go
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
