As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
can I use a minion as a tampon
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.