As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.