As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.