As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?