Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!