As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?