Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Penguins walking in 5x speed

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try