As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
You Might Also Like
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Battery falling down a hole
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?