Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Lucky for them, they’re cute

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”