Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”