As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
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Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
dads on road-trips be like
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”