As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
August 8
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY