As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I love wikipedia
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.