As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
me refusing to leave twitter
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan