As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Our lord and savoury.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
That’s what I call a flat tire
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.