Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.