As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.