As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
it must be school picture day
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
こいつ天才
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Revenge served cold
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
