As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.