As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Bear knowledge
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Matt Goss
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Yes
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes