As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.