As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
this is funnier than any friends episode