As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.