As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
have we given a name to earth鈥檚 mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I鈥橫 COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn鈥檛 even get a babysitter.
Ferrari squats
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Don鈥檛 throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand鈥檚 front lawn so that when he wakes up he鈥檒l think he鈥檚 missed the Rapture.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18