As the best book lists of 2021 drop
You Might Also Like
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.