As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!