“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I am a gravy boat captain
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
the best thing i’ve ever made
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
