“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!