“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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I think this should do it.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.