As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You Might Also Like
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved