As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You Might Also Like
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro