As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
There’s never enough good news
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg