Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.