Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

OH. COME. ON.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks