As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Can. I. Help. You.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe